Reactions to Abuse
Quotes
from Women...
- "I wouldn't
feel anything. I'd keep low. I didn't want to do anything and
I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to visit anybody.
Especially when he was around I was more depressed than ever.
I didn't want to do anything that would make him angry. I was
like a robot. I didn't feel anything. I didn't want to feel
anything."
- "I felt helpless.
I don't know what was happening to me. At the time, I just
couldn't stand my kids with me. I loved them, but I just couldn't
cope with them around me at the time. I felt like putting my
fist through something or jumping out a window or... quitting."
Quote
from a batterer...
- "If I want
to make her feel real bad, I tell her how stupid she is. She
can't deal with this and she hits me."
In passing, I would like to say that the first
time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman. --Nancy
Astor
Traditionally, violence
among intimates has been considered normal. It has been tolerated,
condoned and minimized by the larger culture. Cultural expectations
of men include being aggressive, forceful, and often violent.
These traits are consistent with our conceptions of masculinity.
For these reasons, women and men alike downgrade men's violence.
On the other hand, if a woman engages in violent activity, it
is considered more remarkable and noteworthy, regardless of it's
severity. This behavior violates the traditional notion of femininity,
which sees women as passive beings. This leads both men and women
to upgrade women's violence, which may in turn lead to blaming
women for the violence against them. In a 1995 survey done by
the American Medical Association (AMA), 38% of Americans agreed
that some wives provoke their husbands to physically abuse them.
In this light, the victim becomes responsible for the abusive
behavior while the perpetrator is blame free.
Many women may be
very confused by the abuse they suffer at the hands of their
intimate partner, especially with the first incident. The person
they love and care about, perhaps more than anyone else in their
life, has hurt them. They are likely to start seeking reasons
why the abuse happened, asking themselves, "What did I do
to make them so mad?" They may blame themselves, or they
may blame other things such as their partner's substance abuse
or work or school related stress. According to the 1995 survey
by the AMA, 46% of Americans agree that men sometimes physically
abuse their partners because they are drunk or stressed out,
not because they wanted to hurt them. Women who make such excuses
for the abuse overlook the fact that their are many men out there
who experience the same external stress who do not abuse their
partners. They hold on to the hope that once the alcohol/drug
addiction is overcome, the stress at work dies down or final
exams week is over the abuse will stop, and their partner will
return to normal. However, battering is not a series of isolated
blow-ups. It is a series of deliberate intimidation intended
to coerce the abused partner to do what the perpetrator wants
her to do. The batterer is not simply "out of control." The
use of violence to deal with feelings is a choice. The choice
depends on who he is dealing with. For example an abuser won't
lash out and hit his boss because that is inappropriate.
Why
doesn't she leave?
This question is often
the first question people ask, but it is misdirected. Why doesn't
she leave? focuses on the woman;s behavior and not the batterers
behavior. Instead we should ask why do men batter?
This question is also
misinformed. Many women leave every day. Leaving doesn't always
mean protection from future violence. Leaving is a multi-staged
process. On average a woman leaves and returns six times before
she leaves permanently. There are many factors that often help
to keep a woman with her batterer:
- If the couple has
children, she may fear breaking up the family and taking the
kids out of their normal environment.
- There may be a
lack of support from the criminal justice systems. For example
violent incidences are often termed "marital disputes".
Also 40% to 60% of all police officers are batterers themselves!
- A woman may be
dependant on her husband for economic support. She may find
herself choosing between having a home and financial security
with her abuser or leaving and having no home and no money.
- There are also
economic discrimination factors, the abuser may harass his
partner at work until she is forced to quit or until she is
fired.
- The political stigma
of being on "welfare" also serves as a reason to
stay for some. Furthermore there is a six year limit to receiving
state assistance.
- A lack of emotional
support may also serve as a reason to stay, women may need
to go underground to flee their batterer. They may be required
to re-locate, change their identity and their child's' identity,
in the process they may lose contact with their families and
thereby lose support.
- Separation assault,
when a batterer uses violence and/or abuse to prevent her from
leaving or using violence to make her come back. This results
from women trying to gain autonomy.
- There may be a
lack of resources, for example, telephone, transportation,
lack of shelters, etc.
- A woman may love
her partner. She remembers how he used to be, she thinks she
can make it work. She believes that if she breaks up the family
she has failed as a wife and as a mother. In some religions
and cultures it is incomprehensible for a woman to leave her
husband.
- A woman may also
believe that she deserved the abuse.
- Many of the behaviors
that men incorporate are not illegal.
- The "honeymoon" stage
in the cycle of abuse gives the woman hope that he will change.
- She is also afraid.
She is afraid to stay and afraid to leave. She often makes
a move to leave when the fear of staying outweighs the fear
of leaving.
"We still live in a world in which a significant
number of people, including women, believe that a woman belongs
and wants to belong exclusively in the home." --Rosalyn
Sussman
Back to Women's
Safety: Dating Violence
